my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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