please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
