There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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