i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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