shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
