my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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