I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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