Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
