This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
