hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
