We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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