To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
