I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
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