all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
