I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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