Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
