Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
