Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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