DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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