I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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