WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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