I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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