im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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