Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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