I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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