How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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