look no pants
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
