Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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