I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
