That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
