3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Please, let me fuck your mom
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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