im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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