He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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