new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
