the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Randomize
