I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
