We're facebook friends in real life
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
