i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
