He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
