My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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