My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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