i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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