he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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