i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
