If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
