I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
