I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
