i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
