She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
