Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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