Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
