He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
