What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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